What is a meek and quiet spirit?

God has led me to really work at a meek and quiet spirit. Especially with my children. That is in my facial expressions, my tone, and how I talk with them. This has been on my heart for a long while, but I seem to fail at it all the time. I want to be the type of mommy who never yells, never raises her voice, is sweet in discipline, encourages and praises, and my facial expressions just exudes the love I have for them.

You see in my heart, I adore my girls...all of them. Even when they take permenant marker and color their finger nails or when they want some cheerios and wind up dumping the whole bag on the floor, or when they smear sour cream all over the kitchen table. I even love them when it takes me and daddy (more daddy) 1 1/2 hrs to get them to go to bed at night because of all the hoopla, potty, tissues, songs, prayer, etc. But why is that in my heart I absolutely love and adore them, but I can't express it outside of my heart? Why is it that the world and my flesh win over what my heart's desire is?

I see a picture in my heart of what my relationship is with my girls. Smiling, laughing, and just instructing them in the Lord. I see us cooking together, cleaning together, sewing together, and it isn't that doesn't happen, but I see my face so sweet, looking upon them with such joy, I most of the time am too worried about what needs to be done next, the mess that it makes, or just want to be by myself. Why does that win and how do I overcome it?

The Lord has really prompted me in this area, I am convicted rather quickly of my facial expressions, tone in my voice and my anger. I am so thankful for the start. I would much rather be done with it and be where my heart wants me to be rather than working towards my goal. The sad thing is that I see a lot of me and how I handle things in my girls, rather than just enjoying them. Some would say that you just make a choice, and I agree, however, how do you turn off what has been turned on for so long?

I want to smile at them more, kiss them more, hug them more, not always feel like I have to move onto the next thing, or think, later, I will do it later after this, but after this, comes that.

I am striving with all my mind, body, heart and soul to make this not just a goal, but a reality. To have this unbelieveable, serene joy, no matter what they do. If I can love Jesus with all my heart, I should be able to do that for my girls. I know a lot has to do with my expectations of them. You ever notice how awful expectations are...especially when they are unmet...whew, they bum me out!

So here I am, with my heart on my sleeve, really working hard and failing even harder some days. But I am so thankful for my God, for showing me an area I need to work on so that I may be the woman he has created me to be and I am ever so thankful to my heart for listening.

God bless.

Change Hurts, but is Oh, So Good!!

I have much to learn. When I think I have learned one thing, the Lord is so gracious in showing me, truly what is left. I am so thankful He doesn't give up on me or grow impatient with me.

I am not a perfect mother, I do not have it all together, and I get frustrated, angry and impatient. I am selfish, greedy and want my way all the time. I am a type A personality and like to be in control. God can drive, but I will hold onto the steering wheel. :)

This is a new season of my life. Learning to let go, learning to give God the complete control. My children, though absolute blessings, are not mine. They are on loan. I am the seed planter, but God is in charge of watering and growing. That is a hard one to let go of.

I am learning to relinquish my control, to have more fun, to relax and just enjoy all the moments. They don't all have to be planned out. I have a 10 year old who is teaching me most of this with the Lord's help. You see, we have been having a lot of disrespect issues and rebellion. It isn't what I wanted for his life or mine, but what we have been given by the Lord. I was ready to go and let him experience public school and live at his dad's. But the Lord graciously showed me that it wasn't part of His plan. He is using Hunter to change me. To grow me. I am so thankful.

I am now seeing Hunter in a new light. His eyes are sparkling and he is smiling. It is really a joy to be working on what the Lord would have me and little by little see the fruit of my change. I read a great quote, "Have a problem with your children, check to see yourself, because more is caught than taught."

Life isn't always easy and God never said it would be, but He did promise to be by our side. He is with me, walking with me.

I pray that if you or someone else is struggling with rebellion, that you would encourage them to seek the Lord, see what changes need to be made, and fervently make those changes. I am so excited to see what the Lord will continue to do in our lives. I truly want to be His servant and vessel.

Have a blessed day.

My Journey

(www.fotovia.co.uk)

I saw this picture and it really spoke to my heart this morning. I am on a journey. The Lord is taking me on a journey of growing closer to becoming like Him. I am learning what it is to be Christ-like. It isn't easy. But change, for some reason is never easy.

This path symbolizes the beauty that awaits. The narrow road, the less chosen one. But all around me is the beauty of the Lord, my life.

The life of following Jesus is never easy, but I don't read anywhere in my Bible that it will be. But what I do read is that I have someone who loves me more and will be by my side no matter what. Someone who wants the best for me, so He prunes me and cleans me to make me more like Him.

I am excited for this journey, one I look forward to taking. I know the outcome will be great! So I wait patiently for my Lord to keep working in my heart. The eyes are the window to the soul. I want my eyes to be so bright that the whole world can see the Lord shining through.

This is my journey. What journey is the Lord leading you on? Are you listening? Are you being obedient?

Smile, someone Great truly loves you. We all have life to deal with, it is how we deal with life that reveals where our hearts are with our Lord. Can He be seen in you?

Starting Over

Have you ever messed up, realized it, sulked over it, and then tried to start over. To me right now that is my parenting journey. Life hasn't been easy. Dealing with Hunter going back and forth between two homes has never been my ideal, and it hasn't been easy. Dealing with other adults who communicate differently and even worship differently.

I am learning a lot about the person I have become and the many changes I need to make, to be there for my kids, to have their hearts. It won't be an easy journey, changing 33 years of me, but I believe that my motivation is great and my God is greater.

You see, I have never been a play, fun mom. I have a lot of work to do. Character training, discipline, cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, schooling, etc. So fun isn't always my priority. Do we laugh and such, but mom isn't always involved. The kids always have fun things to do. But now I am learning that I need to change myself to gain their hearts and keep their hearts. For my happiness and for their souls. Being a mom is hard work, home schooling is hard work. So I am going to change.

So today to start, we went for a walk, we made peanut butter playdough and laughed. I didn't make a big fuss over the little things, I let them go and smiled when discipline needed to happen. It will always be baby steps right now as I retrain myself. I will keep you updated as I go. May you be encouraged to make changes where you need. :)

Something Great

I read this great quote from John Wesley in a book that I am reading that contains selected Prayers, Hymns and Sermons. When I read it, I thought I have to have this somewhere to see all the time!

"Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the poeple you can,
As long as ever you can."

Isn't that awesome! I have just found our family's life purpose. It is how I will refocus our training and attention. It feels good to read something so encouraging.

Learning Lessons

My 33rd birthday came and went. It was a very nice time with my husband. I went thrift store shopping (because I love finding great deals), ate a delicious dinner at Red Lobster ( I LOVE their biscuits), had dessert at Cold Stone and just enjoyed my time with my husband.

I love how the Lord is always working on me. And this is something I have to share. I want you all to understand that I am not perfect, I don't have the answers and my life isn't always easy and I don't handle all situations in a godly manner, but I do have a desire to do the Lord's will always and to grow my children to love and obey the Lord.

So here it goes...
I have been struggling greatly with my oldest. He turned 10 this past weekend. You see he goes for one week a month to his father's and unfortunately he is not a believer and neither is the girlfriend that he lives with. They argue constantly, especially in front of him. And of course I don't know all the details all the time, but I do know that there are situations in which I don't agree and I do know that there are times that they tell my oldest not to tell me.

It is heart breaking because I can't even express to you the amount of times I have already blamed myself for walking down the aisle when I heard the Lord screaming for me to not. I didn't listen. I know that I am forgiven but I do have the consequences to deal with. It is hard.

There is nothing I want more than for my son to love the Lord, however, because his dad will go to hell, he also wants to go there. I get frustrated when he spends 90% of his time with me and his sisters, he gives all of himself to someone I just don't really like. It is frustrating to say the least.

I love him so much and the Lord is taking me through this. I have a plan and will discuss more of it once it is in place. If you remember please pray. Pray for wisdom as I want to show the Love of Jesus in all I do, and not sure how to do that in a conflict siutation. I just want to be calm, cool and collected, not the angry emotional mama I want to be.

God bless.

The In's and Out's

Well, though my intentions were really good. I seemed to have learned again another lesson from the Lord. I am stubborn and don't listen. I started this wonderful business with the intention of just helping out and have found that I just don't have the time for it. I am now trying to sell it and all the inventory which has proved to be a very difficult situation. So now we are out the money at the moment that we invested into the business and beside knowing that I didn't listen to God or my husband, I feel like a terrible failure!

Another wonderful lesson I am learning is that I am completely impatient. I got rid of some books accidentally and I wish I would have them back. And though I have searched for them and put out emails to my home school group to see if anyone had them, there has not been any takers on my email. Oh, how frustrated I am to learn again the lessons.

I am thankful for God though in being so sweet and gracious as He teaches me. He reminds of how my heart needs to be toward my children as I teach and train them at home.

I am also getting ready for the Maxwell Family to speak here in Tucson this January. I am so excited to see them again. They are such a wonderful godly family who truly serve others. Their children just have a light around them that shows how much they love the Lord! So if you are going to be here Jan. 15-16, 2010 join us. You can visit their site for more information, www.titus2.com.

I pray that everyone is having a wonderful day!

Learning Lesson

It is no secret that I have suffered through some form of depression with Mady being born. I wasn't sad that she was here, but extremely overwhelmed by her needs. And the fact that I had 4 older children that needed my attention as well, I didn't know how to handle all the different needs that each person had. I didn't know how to be joyful, happy, and content.

Instead, I focused on myself. All the things I was missing. Tattoos and drinks on the beach. (Don't worry I didn't get a tattoo). I was so selfish in my thoughts and my actions. I just wanted to be alone and not have anyone bother me, share my food with and just be.

I would read my Bible and it would go in one ear and out the other, it wouldn't stick and I couldn't remember a single thing. I would lay my head down to pray only to fall asleep and feel guilty for not even being able to pray.

But it is with the Lord's help that I have beena ble to overcome. My eyes are clean, my heart is focused on him. After 9 weeks I can almost say I feel normal. Am I ready to get pregnant again right now...well, that is not in my hands. We have so much selfishness built up in our hearts. But God didn't create us to be happy focusing on ourselves, but He did create us to be happy by pouring our lives into others. I forgot that. My focus was so centered on me that I forgot about what true joy and happiness is. It isn't me at all, but all the others that the Lord has placed in my life.

So with this lesson learned and probably still being learned, I am truly moving forward joyfully, happily and with much content. I hope that my story helps you in your journey wherever you may be in it.

God bless.

Refreshing

I just had to post about my amazing morning! I have been walking/running each morning and during that time, praying. It has been just what I needed to snap out of my downward spiral. I am a very emotional feeling person and I need that. It is the way the Lord created me. So when I feel distant from the Lord it is very hard on my heart and most times I feel like I am just going through the motions. But as I was running and confessing my sins, I just told the Lord what was on my heart. Toward the walking portion of my walk it began to rain, oh it was so beautiful and I felt as though the Lord was washing me, cleansing me of my sin and guilt. Making me new in His sight. It was incredible. I pray that everyone will have a cleansing experience with the Lord and be made new again!

God bless.

Today...

Today has been such a wonderful day! School is done, most chores are done, and even a little extra. Praising seems to be flowing from my lips and God is way too good to me. You know it is funny how so many people talk about the economy and what a crisis it is in, but maybe I am sheltered and naive, but my heart isn't fearful. I know that God says in His Word that He will not let the righteous fall. He loves His people too much. I think this is a great time to rejoice in the simpler times and really put our focus where it needs to be...on our Lord and His strength.

"Having all the money we need to buy anything we want is no fun at all! Being dependent on God makes life an adventure." - Large Family Mothering

I think that this pretty much sums up my fear..."Fear not for I am with thee...." What a great time to see God's creativity in provision for our families.